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Churchly Humor
Give me a
sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.
~ ~ ~
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, 'I know what the
Bible means!'
His father smiled and replied, 'What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible
means?
The son replied, 'I do know!'
'Okay,' said his father. 'What does the Bible mean?'
'That's easy, Daddy...' the young boy replied excitedly,' It stands for 'Basic
Information Before Leaving Earth.'
~ ~ ~
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her
brother in another part of the country.
'Is there anything breakable in here?' asked the postal clerk.
'Only the Ten Commandments.' answered the lady.
~ ~ ~
'Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are
those who wake up in the morning and say, 'Good morning, Lord,' and there are
those who wake up in the morning and say , 'Good Lord, it's morning.'
~ ~ ~
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was
short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: 'I have circled the
block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our
trespasses.'
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note
'I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my
job. Lead us not into temptation.'
~ ~ ~
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his
congregation: 'I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough
money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there
in your pockets.'
~ ~ ~
While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to
the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... 'Energy efficient vehicle:
Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.'
~ ~ ~
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, 'Boys and girls, what
do we know about God?'
A hand shot up in the air. 'He is an artist!' said the kindergarten boy.
Really? How do you know?' the teacher asked.
'You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... '
~ ~ ~
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long
holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of
him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
'Reverend,' said the young man, 'I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if
everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.'
The minister chuckled, 'I know what you mean. It's the same in my business.'
~ ~ ~
People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of
attention.
~ ~ ~
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was
about.
The daughter answered, 'Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt.'
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by
for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was
about.
He said 'Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.'
~ ~ ~
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the
congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to
the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist
was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.
The substitute wanted to know what to play.
' Here's a copy of the service,' he said impatiently. 'But, you'll have to think
of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.'
During the service, the minister paused and said, 'Brothers and Sisters, we are
in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we
need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up'.
At that moment, the substitute organist played 'The Star Spangled Banner.'
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
~ ~ ~
After being interviewed by the
school administration, the prospective teacher said: 'Let me see if I've got
this right.
'You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive
behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor
their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.
'You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and
sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal
pride..
'You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and
fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a
job.
'You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial
behavior, and make sure that they all pass the final exams.
'You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their
handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or
any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.
'You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin
board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for
food stamps.
'You want me to do all this and then you tell me I CAN’T PRAY?
~ ~ ~
I dialed a number and got the following recording: 'I am not available right
now, but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I
do not return your call you are one of
the changes.'
~ ~ ~
My wife and I had words, but I
didn't get to use mine.
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.
The irony of life is that, by the time, you're old enough to know your way
around, you're not going anywhere.
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her
first question.
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to
find one.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
~ ~ ~
The quote of the month is from Jay Leno:
'With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe
thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the
threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, 'Are we sure this is a good time to
take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?'
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